Full disclosure: it has taken me about 4 days to write this post. I typically write a post in a few hours. Another lesson on be gentle with myself and allow for my body to recover. Everything takes its own time.
Control: Why did I see control as a quality? Why did I praise people who exuded control and authority? Why did I crave control when I have/had very little?
Like most people, I spent many years pretending to be in control. I limited my ability to expand by worrying about how others saw me and feeling the need to not disappoint them. I craved control and wasted time putting my focus in the wrong areas. I held back on making life-changing decisions with a fear of losing control in the process. I created a constant state of anxiety where "it" would manifest by making me question every single step. I would look at others around me in positions of "power" and admire how in control they were; it just seemed so easy.
Why couldn't I get there? I was constantly looking around for guidance or "mentors" who would be willing to share some of their "wisdom". Teach me their magic "controlled" touch. How could I be more like them? If I was trying so hard to follow their lessons, why was I feeling closer and closer to losing myself?
When I started to walk my journey, one of my first lessons was drawing a map to return back home. "Home" is not a place or a person or a situation, but walking back to find yourself. I have mentioned it many times; no codependencies to something or someone will help you connect and grow. Whatever it is you envision as growth. Yes, it can be a lonely walk. Then again, you never walk alone.
Two chakras assisted me in the process of shifting from Controlling to Allowing. The first chakra was and still is my "baby", the Root Chakra. Located at the end of your spine, tailbone, the Root radiates a bright red light connecting us to our human life. Grounding us. You can read all about my experience purging and healing it here; Root Charka: Going back to the Roots. The second chakra was my Solar Plexus. The Solar Plexus is located in your abdominal area illuminating your path forward with a bright yellow light. Moving forward, taking action, being decisive, or feeling stuck are emotions associated with your Solar Plexus.
Just like I had to purge fear and anxiety out of my Root, my Solar Plexus manifested in the form of bacteria in my stomach and intestines. It was not a long or "painful" process. What made it a short one was my understanding that it was time to let go of control, pretenses, and superficial connections. So I sat with my Self and decided to allow. I would like to add, you always have the choice to postpone a lesson or "ask for an extension". Now, the longer you wait the more unpleasant the lesson could manifest. It is 100% up to you.
So, was I giving away my power? I replaced power with allowing when I realized the "plan" was bigger than me. I worked on balancing and building a strong foundation for myself. Grounding, meditating, journaling, walking, and eating a balanced diet have always been my go-to's. I would listen to guided meditations to heal my Solar Plexus and take walks in the Sun (bright yellow light, remember? ). I would ask myself every single time why I needed control and checked in with my emotions every time I would replace "it" with allowing.
People envision allowing as being lazy or laid-back or just simply giving up on life. You could not be further from the truth. The Universe still expects you to show up; show up for the lessons and be receptive. Don't expect to expand and grow out of your box by showing up with a specific list of lessons or a detailed agenda. Congratulations, you have sabotaged your own healing.
I see control through a different lens now. Control will never be love, therefore I accept the lesson and release it. I choose to stay high vibrational, walk my purpose, and assist others. That is the only expectation I am allowing myself these days. And so it is.
See you next time.
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